Been in a bit of a slump lately. This is strange because a lot of HUGE things happened last month (in a good way, I think). But it reminds me that I am not a fan of change. I cling to the safe and comfortable. I like my routine, my lovely home, my work – always structured and organized in just the way I like it.
But change is inevitable, right? Everything changes but change itself, yada yada. Yet here I am on the precipice of massive change, yelling to myself, “I don’t want to do this.” I am too old, too set in my ways, I don’t want to disrupt my son’s education, and so on and so forth. I am terrified right now!
What’s changing? It’s the possibility of moving to a new place and starting afresh – a new job role, a new home, a new school, a new way of life. It all seems a bit too much for me. A few years ago, there would have been only excitement, but now, fear and anxiety are overriding any excitement.
I’ve been thinking about the word “buoyant” a lot and how I would use it to describe myself when I was younger. You’d think juggling marriage, kids, and career and stuffing many emotions deep down would’ve weighed me down somewhat, but buoyant I was, and buoyant I thought I would remain.
Now that I am older and have one kid who has flown the coop and another one who doesn’t need me around so much anymore (in fact, I have become downright annoying), I find that I have stretches where I feel decidedly less buoyant.
Of course, I know why I am feeling so blue. My husband’s cancer diagnosis, and then my father passing away suddenly in 2023 left me feeling very heavy. While 2024 overall has been a good year for me and I kept myself busy and distracted, I couldn’t really pretend during the festivities of Dussehra and Diwali. My life will never be the same again; there are some losses that can never be regained.
Of late, I find myself retreating from the outside world. I haven’t been meeting friends, and my social life has shrunk to occasionally meeting an ex-colleague or two for after-work drinks. Uprooting myself and going to a new place at a time when my roots are actually a source of comfort for me is anxiety-inducing. I want my bed, my favorite blanket, I love my study table, and sipping my chai on my couch. Ugh! Anyone else would be jumping at this opportunity, and here I am dragging my heels and trying to show enthusiasm.
Anyway, that’s how life’s been this past month. The actual practicalities of travel and moving are up in the air. I know we’ll be moving, but I don’t know when, and I don’t know what I’ll be doing when we get there. We may move by December, or it may take up to April or beyond next year. I am trying to make myself comfortable with all this uncertainty.
To distract my mind, I have turned to my favorite rubbish reality shows on Netflix.
Fabulous Lives vs. Bollywood Wives was a fabulous distraction. Trashy and fun, this season, with the conflict between the Delhi girls and the Mumbai girls, was the best season so far!
I’ve also been watching Love is Blind: Habibi (don’t judge!). I was surprised by some of the misogyny and it’s one of those so bad it’s good shows. But overall, I liked it – tons of red flags galore, but still I found myself rooting for some of the couples, and I was surprised by how genuine some of the chemistry and relationships felt. I guess for an Indian used to arranged marriages, the Love is Blind concept, and the super-quick marriages and relationships aren’t as outlandish as they may seem to a Westerner.
Reading and exercise fell by the wayside this month. I’ve been reading science fiction shorts (Stories of your life and others by Ted Chiang), and though they are good, it’s been a little heavy going, as I have been forced to stop and reflect quite a bit. These aren’t light stories, and I’ve been practicing slow, in-depth reading. Festivals, visitors, and exercise don’t go well together, and I’ve been struggling to get back into a routine now that Diwali is done.
Diwali itself was a lovely time with my mom and daughter visiting. Who knew that all I needed was a couple of fun nights with them to feel better?
And that’s how October went for me. November, so far has been even more of a roller-coaster of anxiety, but I am just putting my faith in the universe, and hoping that somehow things work out. I got this lovely piece of advice from a friend – to go with an open mind, not be too rigid, and be willing to make changes and adjustments to the plan as needed.
Fingers crossed 🤞 that everything works out and this is not something we”ll regret. I’ve already started consulting astrologers to get some advice 😀 !
